“What happened to us?,” I snapped at my boyfriend, fighting back my tears. The feeling of anger and frustration welled up inside me... threatening to explode.
Was this the end of the relationship we had cultivated for the last 3 years of our lives?
As I watched him shake his head in sadness, I started to wonder, “How did we get here?... What happened to the spark?”
It was like one day we were so happy — so in love… and then we just woke up... disconnected.
As the question reverberated in my mind, deep down I knew he was the one for me. But somehow I couldn’t shake the feeling that something wasn’t right.
I mean he was everything I wanted and I knew that I loved him completely, but somewhere along the road we just became so... stagnant.
You know a lot of people say that love should be easy, but unfortunately, that couldn’t be further from the truth.
Falling in love is usually simple (and exciting), but that’s only ONE part of the relationship.
The longer you’re together the more work it actually is.
Bear in mind I’m not an expert at all but what I’ve realized over the last 5 years with my boyfriend (and after hitting that rut in our 3rd year) is you’re absolutely never going to love your partner all the time.
At this point, you are probably nodding your head like this is crazy of course I’ll love my person all the time, that’s why we’re together!
But that’s just the thing, loving your partner and being in love with your partner are two completely different things.
I’ve never once questioned whether or not I loved my boyfriend BUT there have been times when that firey, romantic love-feeling just hasn’t been there.
It’s like I wake up and know I love him but I’m so caught up in my day that it’s not something I’m focused on.
But the problem is if you’re not careful or actively cultivating and investing in that part of your relationship...that’s when the issues come.
That’s when we start saying things like “we lost our spark” or “we just don’t connect anymore.”
That’s when some relationships end or people cheat.
It’s like we want the exciting love that’s in the movies — and when things get stagnant... too comfortable... too real... they start to seem boring.
It’s at this point that we tend to walk away from relationships. We feed this idea that real love never gets “boring” and sometimes we end up leaving good people behind in search of something “better.”
Unfortunately, a lot of times “better” ends up “boring” and the cycle starts all over again.
But when we actually want to stay with a particular person... That's a belief we have to fight against!
We have to fight against the false idea that things will never change or the relationship won’t ever lose its spark because the longer you’re with someone and the more comfortable you get... the more familiar things become (trust me as soon as you get food poisoning and everything’s coming out of every end ... things change).
And that’s a good thing! Because as you get more comfortable, you end up truly being able to be yourself.
There is nothing wrong with being “comfortable” in a relationship – in fact, that is a sign that you are doing something right.
Your love hasn’t died, it’s just changed. It’s moved past infatuation and moved into something real. Your faults, as well as his, are now on display; and loving someone as a whole (flaws included) is a beautiful thing.
The key is commitment. And by that, I don’t mean staying faithful to your partner (though that’s pretty much a given unless you and your partner decide otherwise).
Commitment means committing to your choice of partner. Saying yes, you are the one and I’m sticking by you and working together to keep the spark alive!
I’m happy to say despite those rough few months, my boyfriend and I fought against the rut and started really making an effort not to forget about each other as life happened!
We started implementing game nights, themed dinners, weekend trips, and date nights every week to break up the monotony AND keep things exciting. Sometimes we even go back to our kid years and play hide and seek or kickball —which is surprisingly A LOT more fun than you’d think for two adults
Now, years later, we rarely have those moments of feeling bored! Sure from time to time, we get super caught up in whatever else we have going on... but in those moments we remind each other that eating breakfast together in the morning and watching shows together at night just doesn’t cut it.
So, the next time you feel like you and your person aren’t on the same page... try setting aside a few moments a week for trying something new in your relationship. Whether that’s a dance class, hiking, painting or hide and seek you’ll find yourselves laughing and having so much fun that that spark may just work it’s way back in!